STORY TIME!
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You never know how much of a terror your child can be...until they learn to walk. We didn't realize until Jack became mobile that he would go to any length...to get what he wanted. In our old house, we had an entire brick wall where the fireplace was. The brick already freaked me out with all of its dangerous and deadly corners just waiting for my poor little boy to smash his head on, but there was also this ledge looking thing that resembled a cement bench in the front of it. My paranoia kept him safe for the most part, but there was only so much protecting that I could do since I couldn't watch him ALL the time. The kid needed independence and I needed to try and collect what little brain power I had left. He wasn't walking for too long before he realized that he could climb! It was a whole new level of independence that made the world a VERY fun place. Getting on the couch by himself, climbing out of his crib (I wasn't too excited about this one), and shimmying out of his high chair for me to find him standing and staring at me in total astonishment at what he was able to do. One day, Jack decided that he REALLY wanted to help with the fire place. I was in the kitchen and realized it was a little bit TOO quiet (if you know what I mean...). I looked around the corner and there is Jack in all his glory. He stood up on the cement ledge and just smiled. I attempted not to totally FREAK OUT and walked over to him. "Jack, that is a no-no. Do NOT stand on that again." I even used my dreaded "mommy-tone." I returned to the kitchen to finish making Jack's lunch. Again, I hear nothing. It's silent. I look around the corner again and catch him, not just standing on the cement ledge of death, but this time he is walking back and forth! Doesn't he understand how horrifying and dangerous that 1 foot drop to our extremely ugly pink carpet is! I am no longer concerned about coming across calm and collected. I yell, "Jack, STOP! I said NO! Down...NOW! If you go up there ONE MORE TIME you are getting a spanking..." Jack stops. He looks at me with this look of anger and sadness. He quietly climbs down. I go back to the kitchen. At this point, I am extremely skeptical that I will finish his lunch before he decides to rebel again. Yeah. I was right. I just poked my head around to check...not even 1 minute after I made him get down and he's back to climbing up on the cement ledge. At this point, all I can think is why? Why is it so stinking hard for my child to listen to the rules? He doesn't like getting in trouble, yet all he does is test boundaries and push me to the limits. Jack must be some sort of rebel-child to act so carelessly like this. What in the world?! Doesn't he KNOW what he does to me when he doesn't listen???
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Setting up boundaries for my son has always been difficult. He has the unlucky curse of being the "first-born." He is our guinea pig. Every style of discipline has been tested on him. Every strategy to trick him into trying new foods has been used. We have tried strong-arming him ("If you don't take at least one bite than you are going to bed!") or bribing him ("Someone isn't going to get dessert until he tries his broccoli...") or just flat out telling him to do it ("Do it...just take a stinkin' bite!"). He has been the experimental child and we learned very early that not everything works with him.
Our children go through stages and as they change and grow, the way they are disciplined should change with them. It is not enough to be an authoritarian parent, make a bunch of rules, and just get your children in trouble when they break them. Training a child is an art...keeping in mind that it is not one that I have mastered.
Since my son has always been extremely strong-willed and a boundary-tester, I have to make sure that I am on my game with being a consistent parent. I have talked with several other moms that don't understand why their children don't listen to them. Whether their child is 18 months or 4 years old, they do not listen when told "no" and they do not respect the rules that their parents have laid down. I have watched the frustration on a mother's face when she says, "If you do that one more time, then you are going to sit in time out!" What does the child do? Well...whatever it is...they do it at least ONE MORE TIME. The mom gets angry and frustrated, tells them not to do it again, and ends up repeating the threat of time-out multiple times until they basically give up and figuratively "wave their white flag of surrender". ::cough cough:: I might be saying that from personal experience. ::cough cough::
Why do we do this to ourselves? Why do we tell our children that we are going to do something when we have absolutely no intentions of actually doing it? When we do this, we make ourselves out to be liars. Our children WANT us to enforce the boundaries that we set, even if it means they get in trouble. I've seen that children find it more comforting to know the predictability in discipline instead of being ignored when they are being disobedient. We cannot and should not blame our children for being out of control if this happens regularly in our households. We also should evaluate our lives in general if this is a habit. Being a person who does not keep their word affects all relationships, not just our ability to parent.
One way to see if this may be you is to ask yourself...does your child throw fits in the store? After talking with several parents, it seems the behavior children reflect in the store and in public is how they really act at home. The problem seems to be that parents try to enforce strict rules on a child in a store, but if the boundaries set at home aren't being enforced, than the child will not believe you when you try to set boundaries in the store. I heard this quote that encapsulates what I am trying to say so well. I wish I knew who it was so I could give credit to them, but here it is:
"Toddlers do not believe a word you say." -Unknown
Okay, honestly, I think every mom has probably said this at one point in time or another.
If your child never seems to listen to you or respect your boundaries, don't worry because there are a few things that you can do to change that. Even at the young age of 1 year old, you can begin to teach your child that you mean what you say. Don't use empty threats to try and scare your child into listening. Be a parent who means what you say and does what they say. That alone will change your child's reaction to you.
Set clear boundaries of what is and isn't okay. When disciplining, be predictable. Your child should understand what the consequences are when rules are broken. When the rule is broken, you HAVE to enforce the consequence.
Be a parent your child can trust. It's just another way of showing your child how much you love them.
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