Inconsistent Discipline: Parents Who Wave The White Flag Of Surrender

STORY TIME!

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You never know how much of a terror your child can be...until they learn to walk. We didn't realize until Jack became mobile that he would go to any length...to get what he wanted.  In our old house, we had an entire brick wall where the fireplace was.  The brick already freaked me out with all of its dangerous and deadly corners just waiting for my poor little boy to smash his head on, but there was also this ledge looking thing that resembled a cement bench in the front of it.  My paranoia kept him safe for the most part, but there was only so much protecting that I could do since I couldn't watch him ALL the time.  The kid needed independence and I needed to try and collect what little brain power I had left.  He wasn't walking for too long before he realized that he could climb!  It was a whole new level of independence that made the world a VERY fun place. Getting on the couch by himself, climbing out of his crib (I wasn't too excited about this one), and shimmying out of his high chair for me to find him standing and staring at me in total astonishment at what he was able to do.  One day, Jack decided that he REALLY wanted to help with the fire place.  I was in the kitchen and realized it was a little bit TOO quiet (if you know what I mean...).  I looked around the corner and there is Jack in all his glory.  He stood up on the cement ledge and just smiled.  I attempted not to totally FREAK OUT and walked over to him.  "Jack, that is a no-no.  Do NOT stand on that again."  I even used my dreaded "mommy-tone."  I returned to the kitchen to finish making Jack's lunch.  Again, I hear nothing.  It's silent.  I look around the corner again and catch him, not just standing on the cement ledge of death, but this time he is walking back and forth!  Doesn't he understand how horrifying and dangerous that 1 foot drop to our extremely ugly pink carpet is!  I am no longer concerned about coming across calm and collected.  I yell, "Jack, STOP! I said NO! Down...NOW! If you go up there ONE MORE TIME you are getting a spanking..." Jack stops.  He looks at me with this look of anger and sadness.  He quietly climbs down. I go back to the kitchen.  At this point, I am extremely skeptical that I will finish his lunch before he decides to rebel again.  Yeah.  I was right.  I just poked my head around to check...not even 1 minute after I made him get down and he's back to climbing up on the cement ledge.  At this point, all I can think is why?  Why is it so stinking hard for my child to listen to the rules?  He doesn't like getting in trouble, yet all he does is test boundaries and push me to the limits.  Jack must be some sort of rebel-child to act so carelessly like this.  What in the world?!  Doesn't he KNOW what he does to me when he doesn't listen???

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Setting up boundaries for my son has always been difficult.  He has the unlucky curse of being the "first-born."  He is our guinea pig.  Every style of discipline has been tested on him.  Every strategy to trick him into trying new foods has been used. We have tried strong-arming him ("If you don't take at least one bite than you are going to bed!") or bribing him ("Someone isn't going to get dessert until he tries his broccoli...") or just flat out telling him to do it ("Do it...just take a stinkin' bite!").  He has been the experimental child and we learned very early that not everything works with him.

Our children go through stages and as they change and grow, the way they are disciplined should change with them.  It is not enough to be an authoritarian parent, make a bunch of rules, and just get your children in trouble when they break them.  Training a child is an art...keeping in mind that it is not one that I have mastered.

Since my son has always been extremely strong-willed and a boundary-tester, I have to make sure that I am on my game with being a consistent parent.  I have talked with several other moms that don't understand why their children don't listen to them.  Whether their child is 18 months or 4 years old, they do not listen when told "no" and they do not respect the rules that their parents have laid down.  I have watched the frustration on a mother's face when she says, "If you do that one more time, then you are going to sit in time out!" What does the child do?  Well...whatever it is...they do it at least ONE MORE TIME.  The mom gets angry and frustrated, tells them not to do it again, and ends up repeating the threat of time-out multiple times until they basically give up and figuratively "wave their white flag of surrender".  ::cough cough::  I might be saying that from personal experience.  ::cough cough::

Why do we do this to ourselves?  Why do we tell our children that we are going to do something when we have absolutely no intentions of actually doing it?  When we do this, we make ourselves out to be liars.  Our children WANT us to enforce the boundaries that we set, even if it means they get in trouble. I've seen that children find it more comforting to know the predictability in discipline instead of being ignored when they are being disobedient.  We cannot and should not blame our children for being out of control if this happens regularly in our households.  We also should evaluate our lives in general if this is a habit.  Being a person who does not keep their word affects all relationships, not just our ability to parent.

One way to see if this may be you is to ask yourself...does your child throw fits in the store?  After talking with several parents, it seems the behavior children reflect in the store and in public is how they really act at home.  The problem seems to be that parents try to enforce strict rules on a child in a store, but if the boundaries set at home aren't being enforced, than the child will not believe you when you try to set boundaries in the store.  I heard this quote that encapsulates what I am trying to say so well.  I wish I knew who it was so I could give credit to them, but here it is:

"Toddlers do not believe a word you say."  -Unknown

Okay, honestly, I think every mom has probably said this at one point in time or another.

If your child never seems to listen to you or respect your boundaries, don't worry because there are a few things that you can do to change that.  Even at the young age of 1 year old, you can begin to teach your child that you mean what you say.  Don't use empty threats to try and scare your child into listening.  Be a parent who means what you say and does what they say.  That alone will change your child's reaction to you.

Set clear boundaries of what is and isn't okay.  When disciplining, be predictable.  Your child should understand what the consequences are when rules are broken.  When the rule is broken, you HAVE to enforce the consequence.

Be a parent your child can trust.  It's just another way of showing your child how much you love them.

The Power of a Parent who says "I'm Sorry"

I have two kiddo's; my son, Jack (4), and my daughter, Samantha (1).  Both of my children are extremely strong-willed.  When I say that, I don't mean the typical child that rebels in phases and then falls back in line.  I mean...my children are strong-willed and they are not ashamed to let anyone and everyone know what they want and EXACTLY how they want it.  Jack, my firstborn, is one of my most favorite people to be around, but I won't lie...he knows how to push my buttons and steps on my toes.  He does have two  VERY strong-willed and opinionated people as parents.  I do not believe that he intentionally tries to irritate me.  In fact, most times where I get extremely frustrated is because I have chosen to go too far over the edge...not because he has pushed me there. With that being said, parenting is extremely rewarding if you are invested in it, but it can also be the most frustrating, irritating, and "pull-my-hair-out" experience ever!

In those moments where one of my kids is testing me, whether it is me having to repeat the same rule about not play-fighting people unless you ask (this rule is usually brought up after I have been punched in the stomach or the boob or the face) or me having to put Samantha in her crib because she INSISTS that screaming on the floor is the best way to get what she wants, I can start to lose it.  It get's really bad if my mommy-tone isn't adhered too. My blood pressure rises and I can feel myself approaching the cliffs of insanity (little Princess Bride humor for those who are fans).  I'm sure every parent has lost it on one of their children. Choose from any of the unhealthy and out-of-control methods to punish and freak out your children: spanking out of anger, yelling, shaming, physical intimidation, etc.  I have done all of these things and I'm extremely ashamed to admit it.

Every time I lose my temper, I see the look in my children's eyes as they stare back at me with such sadness.  It cuts through me.  To them...I am a mirror of who they are and what they are worth.  I am their idea of God and how God feels about them.  Being a parent is about so much more than just keeping a child alive, but it is about teaching, training, and LOVING them.  We get to have relationships with these amazing children and God has entrusted them to our care.  When I am mean to my kids and do something to wrong them, I apologize.  It is such a powerful thing to say, "I'm sorry."  Apologizing for something you did wrong is humbling, trust-building, and one of the hardest things for a person to do (especially in our pathetic society where we justify our wrongs).

It is so powerful to say you are sorry to your child, not just because of the wounds it heals, but because of what it teaches them.  Keeping in mind that by apologizing for the wrong things you may have said or done, you are actually teaching them how they should expect to be treated and what they should or shouldn't tolerate.  If you yell at your child on a regular basis and DON'T apologize for it (don't get me wrong, there are times when yelling is the only way to truly communicate the urgency -- i.e. running out in the street), you teach your child that they deserve to be yelled at.  How would you feel if you watched one your child's teachers yell at them?  Or even one of your friends who comes over to visit?  Would you be okay with them yelling at your child for no reason or because they were in a "bad mood"?  HELL NO!  You'd backhand that jerk-wad into last week.  Even more so if you are a parent who tends to use physical intimidation when you are angry. We would never tolerate other people doing these things to our children, so let's teach our children that they shouldn't be okay with anyone treating them like that...including their own parents.

There are days where I am OFF and have had to apologize to my whole family.  Over and over and over again.  I have gotten better as time has passed.  My son says that I am not so "grumpy" anymore.  Our kids are worth the effort of self-change and relearning things.

"What could YOU possibly tell me about?!"

Every person on the planet has one of those friends that is CONSTANTLY offering advice and their own personal wisdom to your situations...regardless of whether or not you ask for it.  Let's be real with each other...right from the get-go...I AM TOTALLY ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE.  If one of my friends shares that they are having a problem or something is bothering them, I take it as my own personal mission in life to solve their problem.  There is no problem too small or big that I cannot give unsolicited advice about!  Near or far, I'll be there in a double to fix you right up!  I'm at least half joking with the last couple of sentences I wrote.  I do have lots of advice on subjects that I have some experience in, but I have learned to temper it and only give it when asked.  My own selfishness in creating this blog is due to an explosive amount of subjects swirling through my brain that cause me to feel my blood pressure rising and also a little twitchy when I see people I love doing things that are harmful to themselves, their marriages, or their children.

Hence, the creation of my brilliant blog titled,"Unsolicited Advice and Wisdom from the Semi-Experienced in Life."

I do have a few subjects that I am more passionate about than others and would love to offer some tid-bits of knowledge in hopes that I might help at least one person get the upper-hand in the battle of life. The subjects I will be addressing are parenting, communication, dealing with conflict, and becoming more self-aware.  These are subjects that I've personally dealt with a lot (still dealing with how to be a good parent -- LOL).

I'm going to do my best to post my first parenting blog tonight, but I apologize if it gets pushed out another day.  Part of being a parent is never really knowing when you have a free sliver of time.

Thanks again and I am excited for our new relationship to begin.  ;)